I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
