i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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