I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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