I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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