Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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