After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize