I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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