I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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