I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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