if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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