she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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