Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
