My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
