I CAN MOONWALK!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
