Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
