my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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