oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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