i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize