ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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