Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
