Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
