I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize