I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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