M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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