He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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