just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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