I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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