Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
