Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
