I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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