Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
