I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
