More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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