OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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