in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
