Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
