I'm sorry my penis didn't work
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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