puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
