I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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