At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
