Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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