I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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