I cannot find my penis.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
