At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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