it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
