i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
