Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize