3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I don't want my vagina anymore.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
