There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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