i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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