what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Banned from zoo.
Again?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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