I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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