I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
