I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
