I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
