I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
