if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
it's like iHOP with fire
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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