The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
