someone owes me an orgasm
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
