dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
