I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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