Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
