Already got asked if we're dating
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
