You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I want her autograph on my taint
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
