so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize