PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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