i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
