I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
