Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
